i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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