is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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