JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
