Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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