I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
