What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
