Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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