Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Banned from zoo.
Again?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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