Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
