Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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