He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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