woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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