so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
