so explain again why im purple
no
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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