No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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