so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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