A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
