eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My life is pants optional.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
