so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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