If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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