Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
