If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
