I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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