We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
