I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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