I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
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