Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
