non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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