maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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