i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
