how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
