STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
