I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
