it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
