Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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