Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
