I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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