I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
