I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
