i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
