You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
