Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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