I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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