There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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