I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
