Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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