so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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