If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
