Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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