mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
