My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Pants are for mortals
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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