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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
