Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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