I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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