even my farts smell like vagina
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
