Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
