At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
