Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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