My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
