the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
