The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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