omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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