If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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