god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize