I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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