If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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