I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
