I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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