I feel great
I just peed on a car
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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