So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
