He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
