It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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