I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
