My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
